First Listen to Understand | Tips Tuesday for Leaders

“First listen to understand. Then speak to be understood.”

 

In today’s #TipsTuesdayforLeaders video, I’ll share 5 tools that will help you experience conversations in a new, more engaging way!  (If you’d rather read about these than watch the video, keep scrolling to see the transcript.)

 

First Listen to Understand Video Transcript

 

Hi! Karin Naslund here with Naslund Consulting! I want to welcome you to Tips Tuesday for Leaders. Today we’re going to be talking about the importance of communication in leadership. No big surprise, right?! As James Humes says, “The art of communication is the language of leadership.” All leaders must be able to practice great leadership skills, including both active listening and being assertive.

 

One the statements that I practice as faithfully as I can is, “First listen to understand. Then speak to be understood.” We need to be able to use active listening skills to engage our staff and our stakeholders and customers in engaging conversation. So, I want to give you 4 active listening tools that can really help you. Here they are: 

 

4 Active Listening Tools to Help You Listen to Understand

 

1) The Ability to Ask the Right Kinds of Questions

We so often fall back on what is called closed ended questions, which are really statements that are made to appear like a question, and require a yes or no answer. There is a purpose for this, and that’s to get clarification, which falls into another area that we’re going to talk about — paraphrasing. The clarification is very important as well; but, we need to be able to ask questions in the right way, which means more open-ended questions, to get the person we’re talking with to answer as freely as they want.

So, the open-ended questions start with one of the 5 Ws – what, where, when, how, why. If you’re stuck in a conversation —  or you’re really trying to practise how to use open-ended questions — and you catch yourself asking a closed-ended question, stop. Take a breath. Rephrase it. Put one of the 5 Ws ahead of it. Then ask it again. I still catch myself, and I’ll say, “Let me ask that another way,” and I’ll put it forward as an open-ended question. This way, we know that the answer that’s coming is more reflective of what the person is actually thinking. When we use closed-ended questions, we’re putting them in a position of having to guess what we’re actually trying to get at. So they will say yes or no, but they will also go beyond that and try to give us the answer we want to hear. 

 

2) Check Out Your Assumptions ASAP

We all walk a different path. In fact, we have what is called the cultural lens, which means that our history…our upbringing…our past experiences enter in to every conversation that we have. So we filter what the other person is saying through that cultural lens and we make our own interpretation. Now, that interpretation may not be correct, so if you have any question about what was being said — if you feel yourself becoming defensive and need to get clarification, then check out that assumption. And do it quickly. When you let it go, it becomes bigger and it potentially leads to gossip and to conflict. Conflict is often just about a misunderstanding — something that we didn’t check out in the moment — and we let it get bigger than what it needs to be. 

 

3) Paraphrase

Paraphrasing is simply to repeat back what you heard the other person say in your own words. Well, it obviously helps to check out your assumptions to get that clarification. It also demonstrates your attentiveness to the conversation and the other person feels valued — that they’re actually being heard!

 

4) Summarize

We don’t often summarize and we need to! We can summarize at any point within the conversation. It can help us to bring the conversation forward. I also tell students that if you feel stuck in a conversation — which can happen when it’s a difficult conversation — and you’re not quite sure what to say next, and it kind of stalls out, it’s for sure okay to have some thinking time. Another thing that you might do is to summarize. You’ll find that it will move the conversation forward at that point, or that really the two of you have said everything that you need to say. 

 

So the 4 tools that I’ve shared with you around active listening today are:

1) Ask open-ended questions and use closed-ended questions to get clarity.
2) Check out your assumptions.
3) To paraphrase.
4) To summarize.

 

Speaking To Be Understood: D.E.S.C.

 

It’s not a one-way conversation where we actively listen and the other person does all the talking. We also need to contribute to the conversation and that comes, at times, through what’s called being assertive. Being assertive means that you’re able to say what you need to without putting the other person in the place of needing to be defensive or turning to becoming defensive. Here is a quick tool around that called D.E.S.C. 

Whether you write it out ahead of time so you’re better prepared, or it’s something you can think about in the moment, here’s what D.E.S.C. stands for:

D = Describe. Describe what happened. What was the behaviour? What went on that has you feeling that way that you are?
E = Effect. What is the effect or impact on you? How did you feel about it? What did you think in relation to it?
S = Specify. Specify what it is that you need to have changed. So, what would make it better for you? (Again, this is all from your own perspective because the other person may also have a different perspective which is equally valid. But it gives some insight into what happened and how you feel about it. Then you can ask that things be changed.)
C = Consequence. The C is around positive consequences. It’s the if/then kind of statement. “If this change is made, then this is the positive impact it would have.”

 

I hope you’re able to use some of these active listening and speaking tools as you enter into your next conversation. Do it with intention and you’ll experience a whole different kind of conversation!

 

Until we meet again next week, remember: Success is yours! Bye for now!